Dreams of a benevolent master

as the slave girl danced,

she danced with all her heart, 

she danced to the thunder of the whip,

she danced on shards of her broken wings,

as the slave girl danced,

she danced on molten fire,

she danced on the demise of her inner desires,

she danced on the shame of her love, 

as the slave girl cried,

she cried on the funeral of her hopes,

she cried on the mockery of her soul,

she cried on the betrayal of her core,

as the slave girl cried,

she cried on the loss of her innocence,

she cried on the loss of her faith,

she cried on her inhumane fate,

as the slave girl raged, 

she raged for her cruel fortune,

she raged for her revenge,

she raged for her master, 

as the slave girl prayed,

she prayed for the turning of her fortune,

she prayed for her saviour,

she prayed for her captor, 

as the slave girl hoped, 

she hoped for respite, 

she hoped for redemption,

she hoped for a benevolent master......

1st september, 1999 - Diary of a little girl

when i was a little girl , all i wanted was dolls to play with. i used to sit by the side of the play ground, looking at other little girls , playing with their dolls, playing like girls, having everything they ever wanted , with no care in the world. 

Even as a little child i had so much pride , i could not ask my parents to buy me things. whatever i had, was what somebody assumed i needed or wanted and bought me, but i could never tell them what i truly wanted. in order to play with dolls, me and my sister , we used to make dolls of paper , we would make their clothes with paper too and would colour them the way we wanted. i was happy with that. 

i always looked at other girls doll houses and tea sets. they were so beautiful and colourful. every little girls dream of her own house starts with that little doll house, be it made of wood , or plastic, but that is when the fantasy begins.  

i didnt have fancy tea sets or doll houses , but i had couch cushions and cardboard boxes which i used to make my doll houses , suffice it to say , they fit perfectly for the paper dolls. 

i used to collect coins , when i had enough , i would go and buy tea sets made out of mud. they were cheap , but they served their purpose and made me happy. it was a good life , but for an 8 year old, it was a life of burdens. burden of pride. today i realise, an 8 year old should not have pride , an 8 year old should have toys , or if it not toys, atleast should have something to play with. 

as i write this diary , i realise i am no longer a little girl , but today at 50, and countless mistakes later , i have come to realise , i need to write about my mistakes , about my shortcomings , not to generate sympathy , but maybe , in some dark corner , someone may find this , and learn something ...... but maybe, because i believe , writing about my life , may , make it interesting.....

                          

The clock goes tick tock.......

Ticking of the clock is always a reminder of the falling sand that washes through our hands and flies off with the wind. 

Time itself is meaningless. 

But time in its totality is all there is. 

Every time we think about our past, all we see are pages of our memory that our lost forever.

Every time we wonder about our future, all we see are shadows of what could be, something we can never touch. 

Our past will always be something that eluded us, left us and no matter what we try , it will be like burnt ashes , scattered and lost.

Our future, will always be within arms length but we will never be able to touch it, hold it, feel it.

In reality all we truly have is the second that we live in.

The moment in which we live is all there is to our life. 

Everything else is like waves of the ocean that crash and fall and wash away , never coming back. 

Time is all there is and all there never was.

It could also be, that everything there is, every second it becomes the past. 

sins of sanity

As the universe questions my sanity, 

I see shadows of evils vanity,

As the devil surrenders to tomorrow, 

I see hopes and ashes of sorrow,

As the greedy hoard their treasures, 

I see lucifers cage and it's pleasures,

As the nymphs prepare for their dances, 

I see hungry eyes prancing, 

As pride spreads it's wings, 

I see blood hounds unleash their wrathful swings,

As I sign away my sanity, 

I see victory in my nemesis insanity ....

the inherent enigma of "what if" and "why me"

i believe that even in the darkest hours of our lives, there is always that little ray of hope, that helps guide us. the thing that defines our character is how we approach that little ray of hope. either we treat it like the appearance of an oasis in the middle of a dry desert or the ever promising guide to a better tomorrow! a better tomorrow is never really set in stone, but good things do come to those who wait. who hope. 

i have spent a good part of my life wondering about all the what ifs and whys of my life. i have had through walk through my own personal pits of darkness to find the light at the end of the tunnel. but today i stand on top of a cliff , not looking at the ever horrifying depth that lies beneath but the vast ocean of stars that line the sky signalling the promise that even the darknest nights do hold something beautiful. 

hardships in our life are inevitable. but how we deal with those hardships define our character and who we truly are as people. sometimes it feels so difficult to stand through an angry ocean of calamities but we often forget that the deepest darkest oceans hold the most vast treasures. treasures of hope, of success , of happiness , and of love. 

most people argue that why do we live if we have to face so much trouble just to get through and make it through the night when the next day is yet another struggle. my argument is always, why not. there are billions of people in the world who live through so much hell and yet they find a reason to smile, to live. the stress is on "find". "finding" is a struggle, it means when there is pain, you look for the good in life. you look for a simple piece of your existence that makes you happy, even if its just for a little while, its something.

When we are handed a hardship we always say "why me" , but we never really look around and actually see that every single person in this world has troubles. no matter how glamourous , how charming , how comfortable their life looks from afar, whenever you step close, you always see the little cracks in the perfect glass house which are only visible on deep inspection. every being that has lived, has had their own world filled with their own kind of imperfections. 

than why do we always look at those who from our standards have it better than us? why dont we look at those who have it worse? most people say why shouldnt i look at the better ones, but my argument is always reliant on the fact that in our hand only lies actions, results of our actions are never in our hands. than why not find contentment in our own little house , our own broken car, our own torn clothes rather than feeling contempt for those who we think have it better than us. why not? 

binding chains of life....

as i look around my life, 

i see cages incarnate, 

obligations and trust wrapped around,

my hopes and dreams, making them rust,

chains of responsibility, 

suffocate my sensibilities, 

fantasies of what could be, 

shattered by what must be,

i look around and see people,

people, with bigger chains, harsher pains,

i pick up the pieces of my dreams, 

hoping to stitch them with new seams, 

i thread back my hopes, 

dreaming for freedom anew,  

silent tears fall for my fate, 

silent pain throbs for my cages gate, 

i must be, what i must be, 

maybe someday, I will be, what i wish to be......

if someday we meet.....

someday when i will meet you i will tell you my story 

i will tell you about the time i got wings and flew towards the clouds 
i will tell you about the time i went mad and broke everything made of fire
i will tell you about the time i was happy and painted everything black
i will tell you about the time i realized im amazing and cried the whole night
i will tell you about the time i found you , and didnt know a thing about u 
i will telll you about the time i was sad and went crazy laughing
i will tell you about the time i was so heart broken , i couldnt breath 
i will tell you about the time i saw the most beautiful sunset and felt so alone
i will tell you about the time i realized there is magic all around me and i just have to move closer and see it 

but then again ... maybe someday , when i'll fall in love with you 

i will show you the magic in a simple drop of rain 
i will show you the magic in a simple snow flake
i will show you the magic in that simple smlie
i will show you the magic in a single petal of rose
i will show you the magic in that single moment in the night
i will show you the magic in sitting alone and listening to just mere silence

but maybe someday ....if we meet .... i'll show you what life is all about .... 

The devil within .....

As I look out the window of my broken dreams 

I see dark shadows and ripped seams

As I sit on my chair and look into my soul 

I see darkness and demons that are born

As i contemplate the ruthlessness of my destiny

I am burdened by the malevolence of my testimony 

As I hold my pen to fill my journal 

I am struck by the intensity of my evil 

As the curtain of my fate falls

I realize the cruelty of my intentions 

As I look back and wonder where my innocence has gone

I realize the fire of my sins dissolved it all ....

broken memories.....

as i look at the ashes of my memories,

i stand and see a raging fire,

the broken promises, the lost dreams,

the embers of hope,

and my bellowing screams,

what i had envisioned, 

and what manifested,

the crumbled , shattered illusions, 

the tall towering scraps of delusions, 

what once was a promising journey,

was now a cage of despondence, 

what once was filled with miracles,

was now but a pit of despair, 

my purgatory, my fate...

as i dream of her beauty,

my heart breaks,

as i look back at my life,

my senses evade,

as i dream of what could be,

my heart breaks,

as i wake up to reality,

my soul evades,

as i see my empty hands,

my heart breaks,

as i envision those beautiful eyes,

my reality deteriorates,

i am the man i am, 

she made me who i am,

i was a dried up quill,

she filled my heart with her loves ink,

i was a lost soul,

she found me and held me close,

i was a ruthless assasin,

she forgave me and cleansed my sins,

i was forever condemned,

she was my redemption,

i pray to God,

to give her back,

he laughs at me,

and my worlds crack,

i was lost in my purgatory,

and now it welcomes me back.....

have you ever truly seen the ocean ....

The depth in its coldness , 

the mystic in its darkness ...

It encloses everything in its vault, 

yet never bolts the lock ...

It has seen the beginning of life and

shall witness the end of all thats alive ...

It holds the treasures for the future and

the skeletons of the past ...

It sometimes caresses like a mother and 

sometimes tears you apart ...

Its a portal to other worlds , 

yet we get lost in its whirls ....

For centuries it has been the love of the pirates and 

the fear of the brave ......

It has the wrath of a dragon and 

the divinity of a fairy ....

It sings like a siren and 

screams like a banshee ....

It saw the end of the beginning and 

shall witness the beginning of the end......

the beast that was.....

in the world of willows and screams, 

in the world of bellows and dreams, 

there once was a beast, 

a beast that chased me ....

like a sirens song,

like the devils spawn .....

like the deadly rose, 

like the loving sword ....

there once was a beast, 

a beast that coaxed me, 

like the chaste mistress, 

like the whoring wife .....

like the raging heavens, 

like the calming purgatory ....

there once was a beast,

a beast that loved me ....

as the darkness fell ... the silence screamed

as she walked through the maze of her memories , 

she realized what she had lost .....

                       she realized what she could not find , 

she searched in vain for that one piece in the puzzle, 

the puzzle that was her mind ..... 

                      the journey that was her life , 

she realized the truth behind the silence , 

behind the pain.... 

as she moved further on .... 

she saw life's pitiful gaze .....

the depth of the mountains and the shallowness of the seas , 

the ever blinding madness in her pleas ... 

what could be and what was not , 

the crimson wave that was her soul ...

the crashing waves of her madness , 

the dancing gaze of her lover ...

the consummate lies of the saint , 

the beautiful truths of the sinner....

the shackles of her life, 

the freedom in her desires.... 

the paradoxes in her existence ,

and the never ending persistence....

the betrayed Phoenix

as she saw their betrayal, 

she saw the salacious truth , 

she saw the vindictive stories , 

her feathers scorched with the fire of love ,

her claws bleeding from the scratches of her friends ,

she  looked into her heart , 
and saw gashes of iron .... 

her wings clipped with trust, 

her feet bound with brass 

her colors stolen by love, 

her spirit ripped with a platinum glove

what once was home,

was now a glorified tomb,

what once was created with hope,

was now but only a crippled ghost,

what once was given with trust , 

was now on the pedestal of despair,

she looked around and saw the shadow of her life , 

shadow of the promises , 

shadow of the future .... 

what could be was but a lie , 

what was a promise was now only but a cage ... 

life and it's questions......

The night rolls by as she walks alongside the beach , 

followed by a star that tells many great tales , 

as she hears those tales , 

she bumps into many stories , 

many thoughts and many queries .... 

some are hers , 

some are his , 

some are yours and some are mine ...... 

some talk about love , 

some talk about lust , 

some talk about hurt and some talk about life ..... 

and thats how she meets all those questions , 

each stands tall , 

stands strong , 

each has an answer yet it eludes us all ....

why is it that the minute you start to think about all the things that could have been a tear rolls down your cheek...

why is it that the minute you think about all the what ifs and what nots , your heart rips a bit....

why is it that the minute you think about all those lost moments something squeezes inside your chest ....

why it it that all the good moments in life are just moments and all the hard ones stretch out into eternity .....

why is it that all the beautiful things in life seem like an illusion and all the ugly ones are burned into our mind ....

why is there so much pleasure in pain ......

why is it so easy to betray the person you love .....

why is night the epitome of all the guilty pleasures ...

why is it so easy to give up when you are so close to the end .....

why is it so easy to smile through tears ....

why is it always the smartest person who is sitting with a gun to his head ....

why is it so difficult to express love ....

why do good people die young ....

why is it that the greatest pleasures in life lie in the simplest of things ....

why is it that people who think more are always so sad ....

why is it that most people are scared of the dark and at the same time its their secret refuge .....

why do we always have to pay for our sins .....  

why do we always see dark when there is so much magic surrounding us ....

why do we always do the wrong thing for the right reasons .....

why do we always play with fire when we know it will burn us ....

why is it that every time i look at dusk , i see hope ....

why is it that every time i see a mirror i want to break it into a thousand little pieces  ....

why is it that every time i hear the wind against the pane i hear voices ....

why is it that every time i hold a rose I'm pricked by the thorns ...

why is it that everytime i'm happy i know pain is lurking just behind ...

why is it that everytime i hold a pen i'm at a loss for words ...

why is it that everytime i want to fly , i lose my wings ....

why is it that everytime i laugh i'm bleeding .....

why is it that everytime i look at myself i see just a shadow .....

why is it that everytime i feel like running i fall .....

why is it that everytime i sleep i die ....

 ..... and as she ponders on all these questions a firefly crosses her by and she thinks , "maybe some other day i will think about it again " 

-hani nusrat

night , the mystical witch

did you ever wonder why the poet loves the night ?​ 

did you ever ask the writer why he craves the night?​ 

have you ever noticed the beauty of that one shiny star?​ 

have you ever knocked on nights dark door?​ 

have you looked for secrets in nights soul?​

did you ever notice the depth, that night has in store?​

​

i guess you haven't .......​

​

but if you ever look close you'll see that night is a lovers chaperone  ...​

it is a child's beautiful dream....​

it is the beginning of a quest and the end of a dream ...​ 

it is a never ending maze that doesn't begin and has no end ...​ 

it can turn tears to gold ...​

it holds all secrets and never bolts a door ....​ 

it is deeper than the oceans and darker than the seas ...​ 

it is the passion of the sinners and the desire of the saints ....​ 

it is the greatest of the mysteries yet simpler than any maze ....​

​

if you look hard enough , you'll find the key , it will unlock nights door .... ​

yet when you try , it will not open nights soul .......​

​

what did you do ? 

what did you do ?​

            night laughs at you ....​ told you it makes no sense .....​

night is like a witch ,

friend to some , 

foe to some ....​ 

if you be wary , it will show you some of its treasures ...​

​

if you look close , you will see beyond your dreams , beyond your realm .......  ​

-hani nusrat

it was just a silent dream .....

it started with a tear

it ended with a smile

it was deep like the mighty ocean​

it was shallow like the little pond​

​

it was based on lies​

it stood due to blind trust​

​

it had so much pain​ 

it had so much love​

​
it was strong like the air​

it was weak like a rock​

​

it was as beautiful as darkness​

it was as ugly as daylight​

​

it was as enchanting as a witches spell​

it was as lethal as a warriors sword​

​

it was as passionate as a lovers tryst​

it was as pure as a saints prayer​

​

it had so much music​ 

it had so many words​

it saw many mornings​

it witnessed many nights​ ​

​

it was like a perfect nightmare  ​

it was like a horrible dream​

​

it started with fear​

it ended with laughter​

​

it was a dream ... just a simple beautiful dream .... no more , no less .... just a forbidden dream , one forbidden night ....

-hani nusrat

the valley of my broken dreams

as I walk through the valley of my memories

I see broken glasses , broken dreams 

broken shadows and broken seams ....

as I walk through the ocean of my heart 

I see lost love , lost pain 

lost feelings and I cry in vain ......

as I walk through the madness of my dreams 

I see torn pages , torn hearts 

torn thoughts and my heart prays..... 

as I walk through the sunset of my life 

I see summer , I see winter 

I see colours but something fades..... 

as I walk through the garden of my hopes 

I feel blood , I feel horror 

I feel whispers and the shadows rage.... 

-hani nusrat

a chance encounter ....

this is something I penned down almost 10 years ago when I was 17 , and the world was very different and yet very same.....

This is the story of a girl who loved , who lived, who smiled and then vanished like the moon that does at every dawn.Her life was only limited to a mere 22 yrs.When she smiled she lit the room like a rainbow that lits the sky after a heavy downpour , when she cried she made the heavens cry , when she loved she made the angels and fairies dance under the moon.But she also had a darker side that no one could glimpse into and conquer.But one fine day some one came.Yes!! someone came.Someone who could see it all.Someone who made her want to set herself free......


And what do you say about a guy who has it all . That he has everything everyone envy's and he has every rite to be there as he worked for it. He was a man of honour , a man of his word , a man who was intelligent and who had power.When you looked from afar you saw a guy who had everything , even he thought he had everything , he thought he was complete and needed nothing else , but one day his illusion shattered...........
It was like some one threw a stone at his perfect glass house and it shattered into a million tiny pieces.
Some one , who made him realise his humanness merely by her presence.And that is when magic happened , the heavens cried yes and sprinkled their love on him and this is how they met.....


While he was coming back from a business trip, he crossed a lake which was close to his home.He never really went there for anything but that day, some how, the horizon called to him like somekind of a powerful witch whom you cannot refuse.It was the magnificent time of sunset.The golden hue in the sky with a hint of purple red and orange , looked like gold at its zenith and it was like all of it was calling to him.He stopped the car.When he went to the shore , he saw a girl sitting there with her back towards him.When she heard his foot steps , she turned and looked at him , their eyes met , held and in that moment his illusion shattered.Then he realized how empty his life had been.Then the moment passed.She turned to her own thoughts and he to his.They sat there in silence.Not a single word was spoken.Finally the sun set and then she got up , gathered her books and went away without looking back.He got up and went to his car and drove home.....
That night he dreamed of her.Dreamed of those magical brown eyes..


Those eyes that told him so many things that a million pages cannot convey.When he woke up he knew he would go there again.He went there and saw her sitting at the same place.and somehow they started talking. They talked about everything.Two perfect strangers who saw right through each other, then they each went away not knowing the others name or whereabouts.They only knew what they talked about.And in that one week they lived their whole lives.Each day near dusk they met at that lake and talked.Finally there was someone who could see through her faccade of sugar and roses and could actually see the thunder and the passion she had for life and for love.And finally he met a woman who wasn't vain and he could talk to about the stuff that mattered to him.There was an instant reaction between the two.The 8th day wen he came , she wasn't there.And from that day on till the next two weeks , he came and everyday waited till midnight for her to come but she never came...


so that day he decided to look for her.She had told him stuff about the town where she lived , so he looked for it.He went to a small town nearby and asked for a girl of her description.A guy told him to go to a house which was hers.He went there , when he saw the place he knew it was the right place as she had told him about it.He went inside and asked for her.Her father came and told him that she died in a car accident that 8th day.He was thunderstuck!! His whole world crashed around him , he couldn't move.The only thing that rang through his mind was the verse "to lose someone before getting them" .And when his heart filled with grief he thought about what she had said the last day they were together.She had laid her hand on his cheek , and had looked in to his eyes and had said .....


pain in all it's complexity is just in our minds.
haven't we all heard this so many times and in so many places. whenever we feel pain , there is always someone around us trying to tell us how we should feel about that pain. 

love is not the fever of the flesh
but the feeling that is left when the fever is gone.....

it is not feeling the presence of the beloved
but the longing that is felt when your beloved is gone.....

it is not the union of two souls
but the togetherness that is felt even when one has been lost .....

it is not the number of minutes or hours or days that are spent together
but the number of seconds that are savoured ....

it is like the beauty of a rose ... with thorns , with ugliness of the stem , with the protection of the leaves and yet you look forward to that one single rose that you know will one day wilt and will leave you all alone .....

when he remmebered all this a peace came over his heart.He turned around and left that place and went into his car into the night.He spent that whole day driving.Thinking about that girl with those sensual brown eyes.He didn't even know her name and yet she became everything.And he went back to that place on the beach and made a heart on the tree near which they used to sit and engraved on it "ricordati di me" ( remmeber me my love )..and he went away.And after that whenever he went near that place his heart was filled with longing and peace.......

30 years from then .........

It was his daughters wedding day.Yes!! he married at the age of 30 to a woman he did not really love but respected and cared deeply for.It was his daughters wedding and when the ceremony was taking place he saw "HER" standing near the altar.Lookin like the beauty she was at 22.And his heart filled with love.He could never forget her......

It was merely 7 days , but those 7 days were just enough to make him love with a fervour that he did not know he possessed and never ever felt after that.No one ever knew that she existed.Even he never went back to ask her name because somehow those 7 days were enough for him to last a life time............
as they say .." SOMETIMES LOVING MEMORIES ARE ENOUGH TO QUENCH THE THIRST OF A LIFETIME"

the malevolent crisis of hope

in this world of highly peculiar behaviors and the search for our individuality, I have come to a conclusion that everything in the end, for most people, is a search for their own self. might be a cliche , but aren't we all striving every single day to distinguish ourself as somebody who is better than someone else. be it a wife, a teacher , a writer , an actor. be it anyone, we are all trying to find our own little path to our own little special world of success and applause. a world that is filled with our praises and how unique we are. one of a kind. the gem that could never be and now suddenly is. the belief that we are the star that lights the night sky with miracles. 

when I think some more about it, I realize that wanting that , is not wrong. it's just what we humans feel in order to survive. to survive in our own world of pain , struggle and countless disappointments. each night we all sleep with a miracle in our heart, hoping in hopes that maybe tomorrow it may become real. according to the absolute realist and in my own words, some very strange pessimists, there is no reason to fantasize about things. it only brings you down. you should only think about things that are absolutely possible not strange miracles but what is wrong with fantasies. what is wrong with hoping that maybe something magical might happen in my life. isn't it that little flicker of hope in our hearts that keeps us going, that little light of secret joy that makes the everyday mundane bearable. 

if we stick to the realistic "mafia" , than most of the things people do , like trying for a new job, getting into a university , applying just even for a loan should become very hard as there is no certain probability that it will happen. because according to statistics, most people these days do not get jobs, do not get into universities even with perfect grades , and don't get loans when they need it the most. so basically realistically , we shouldn't do most of the things we do in our everyday life. and that makes the logic of the realist, pretty sad to me. it does work for them. maybe. I don't know. but in my own world of truths, I have realized that in order to be happy, we need a little faith. a little hope. and sometimes , maybe sometimes we do get our miracles. not always, but what's the charm in always. isn't life about waiting for that perfect moment when something good happened and it was your own little miracle